Lesson No.3: Fake it 'til you make it ( a lesson in fake nails)

Last week saw my first foray into the world of fake nails.

For 6 long months I have been trying to coax and persuade my natural talons into making a spurt beyond the top of my fingers.....NOTHING....they are are stunted. I have massaged them with various creams for the hands. For many a year I have been told about the wonders of Sally Hansen and did not need to avail of her remedies. But the time had come and I purchased "Sally Hansen - Hard as Nails".

3 or 4 weeks later I was still a victim of peeling, exposed layers of nail. I was in despair. My birthday was around the corner and I longed to have beautiful nails. But this is not a tale of failure. This is a story of success and dare I say it beauty.

To demonstrate my lack of willingness to venture into the world of  fake nails I have a packet of battered Broadway Nails in my drawer circa 2001. My psyche never accepted that I would entertain gluing pieces of plastic to my own "ingne" (Gailge for nails believe it or not, learn something new every day).

However the time had come!!! Inspired by my friend's modelling of some verrrry natural nails the previous weekend, as I flew around the aisles of Dunnes doing my grocery shopping, I grabbed my second ever pack of Broadway nails. This time I had fullest intentions of actually wearing them.

With dinner booked for 7.30 on that Saturday night, yours truly decided at approximately 6.20pm (and minus my outfit being adorned or my hair being adjusted or tights being removed from their packaging), now was the time to try out the art of fake nails for the first time. Mistake no.1!!! I had no idea what was the appropriate amount of squeezing required to extract the glue from the tube. I 'thought' I was squeezing out glue and that it was just quite invisible. I in fact was trying to apply the nails with air rather than glue.

Panic ensued, there were nails all over the ground. My room looked like the scene of a horrific torturing whereby I had lost my nails. Time was not on my side, and neither was this flipping tube which was holding on to its sticky contents for dear life.

Half an hour later, all 10 digits had been tackled. And while as the evidence will show the new talons were of moderate length, I felt a little like the sister of Edward Scissorhands.

This was not the end of events. I still had to pull on my dress that was a size too small and needed alotttttt of manoeuvring!! The new 40 deniers ended up with a hole in the crotch before they even reached their destination of my waistline.

The drama did not end here - an hour into the meal, I felt my tights making their slippy descent. We've all been there ladies. Fear gripped me. If I attempted to sort the situation, more holes and ladders could be the end result. When in doubt, grab the closest female friend who is not easily traumatised...The following events were like a flashback to my school going years as a 5 year old when your mother nearly lifted you off your feet as she tried to force you into a pair of tights that were doomed to itch you for the day.

I can safely say..... it was all worth it!!!!! I love fake nails and I am totally converted!!!!

The Lesson:

• Time, ladies, time!!!! This is not a process that should be rushed.
• Always always have your glue in your bag (in case of emergency).
• Tights should be in place for the night ahead PRE-nail application.
• Finally, pain is beauty.......

Note:

Excuse the ink marks on the nails, pics were taken on the Monday after the event after a day of tackling a blobby biro.